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 DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed here are those of the Devil, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the writers, the producers, the networks or anyone who is not pure, concentrated evil.
Hello again! Through my usual subtle influences, I've been invited to participate in this website, which after all owes its existence to use of the Devil brand (without payment of royalties, I might add). I racked my brain for what I might want to contribute, but since I'm omniscient I already knew -- my summer reading list! And since it's always summer where I come from, I thought I'd pass on a few of the titles I've been poring over Styx-side. Lately I've been brushing up on my Christian history; it brings back so many fond memories -- Torquemada's barbecues, playing pin-the-limb-on-the-Crusader after a particularly gory battle in the Holy Land. Not that the Christians invented me -- I got one of my best write-up's in the Book of Job, back when Jesus was just a twinkle in his Father's all-seeing eye, and you can still catch a glimpse of me on the left wall of King Tut's tomb (I'm the one with the jackal head) -- but certainly no-one has gotten more mileage out of me than Christ's followers. And the affection is mutual! Anyway, here are my latest favorites:
The Origin of Satan, by Elaine Pagels. 
Not my first unauthorized biography, but certainly one of my best. I'm not sure she captures the real Me, but then, I don't give interviews, so she had to work with a lot of second-hand material. Elaine specializes in the Gnostic Gospels (she's got a book about that too), the gospels that were excluded when the Big Daddies of 4th century Christianity were putting together their Top 10 lists and compiling the New Testament. One day you're leading your own Christian sect in Judea, the next day you're a heretic. Isn't that always the way?
The Lucifer Principle, by Howard Bloom. 
Now this title is a bit of a misnomer, since the only principle I really hold to is, never take a soul on a full stomach (you can get cramps). But Howie does get into the creation of the myth of Lucifer as a way of explaining the presence of Evil in the world, when the reality is I saw a marketing niche waiting to be filled and set off to make my fortune. Fascinating discussion of the myriad ways Humankind may find to destroy itself with no help from me. Hey, I'll be out of a job!
Constantine's Sword, by James Carroll. 
This one traces the history of Christianity from Day 1 (which was actually about 5 BC) as it relates to the Church's treatment of the Jews. As you may imagine, it's a lively romp (accusing the Jews of using the blood of Christian children to make their motzah -- those scamps!), and a must-read for anyone who wants the full picture on this story of two uneasy siblings. Hmm, maybe they could make it into a buddy picture -- the old Jewish Religion, tired and on the edge of retiring to Israel, and his young full-of-beans partner, Christianity, ready to take on the world (not to mention Islam!). I smell Oscar.
The Da Vinci Code, by Dan Brown. 
And speaking of book-to-movie... I must say, I avoided this one for the longest time -- I mean, I'm Beelzebub, I don't run with the crowd, all right? But if something as Satanic as the New York Times is keeping this baby on its best-seller list for over a year, well, you have to keep up with popular culture if you want to appeal to the widest possible demographic. And imagine my surprise when Danny Boy blows the lid off one of the best-kept secrets about Jesus! No spoilers here, but let's just say that if Us Magazine had been at Golgotha, they would've outsold People for a millenium! Hmm, I may have to re-consider this whole interview thing. In two hours I could dish enough dirt to re-fill the holes in the Bikini Atoll. Paging Kitty Kelley!
Bloodline of the Holy Grail, by Laurence Gardner. 
Okay, far be it from me to jump into any sort of theological brouhaha -- I don't know where I get this image as a troublemaker -- but when the Vatican sent out the archbishop of Genoa to call Dan Brown's book "a sack full of lies", I just had to do a follow-up. First of all, if anyone's going to be judging sacks full of lies, I think I should be on the panel. (And Les Moonves, I'm thinking of you for my TV series pitch: "American False Idol" -- with me, the Pope, and Janet Jackson as the judges.) Second of all, I'm frankly jealous, given that it's been months since the Holy See has seen fit to condemn Your Humble Servant -- give the Devil his due! In any case, the latest book on my bedside table has been this little romp through Christian history, and I must say it's an eye-popper. As a result of his genealogical research, Larry has been accused of everything from drinking human blood to being descended from reptiles (really!), which surely beats a swat on the behind from the Vatican. So see what all the fuss is about -- a day without heresy is like a day without sunshine!
Hostage to the Devil, by Malachi Martin.
 No, this isn't a romance novel, although I have broken a few hearts over the eons. This is one of several books that came out in the mid-70's after "The Exorcist" was released in theaters, attempting to cash in on one of my best performances. (I did an uncredited cameo as one of the party guests -- the pay was crap but the buffet was delicious and I took home the souls of several extras.) Unlike the authors of other straight-to-paperbacks that came out at that time -- such as the practically scientific "Exorcism: Fact Not Fiction" and the memorable cheese-a-thon "The Devil and Karen Kingston" -- Malachi attempted to capture the true fun of the priest-versus-demon contest by using transcripts from actual exorcisms, then matching them with interviews of all the participants, to produce 5 little vignettes that will leave your sides aching and your tear ducts drained. Leave it to the Irish to make Catholic prayer sound like a chant at a football rally! Erin go Beelzebub!
The Harry Potter series, by J. K. Rowling
 Personally, I don't think "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" is the strongest of the series (honestly, Harry, just snog Ginny Weasley and get it over with!), but the fact that the series has been condemned by the Pope...well, I admit it, I'm feeling a little professional jealousy. In a letter written back in 2003, the former Cardinal Ratzinger (now Pope John Paul George & Ringo -- just kidding!) thanked German critic Gabriele Kuby for her "instructive" book Harry Potter - gut oder böse? ("Harry Potter- good or evil?"), in which Kuby said the Potter books corrupt young people, preventing them from developing a sense of good and evil, and harming their relationship with God when they aren't even old enough yet to have a beer with Him (I'm paraphrasing). Said the future Pope: "It is good, that you enlighten people about Harry Potter, because those are subtle seductions, which act unnoticed and by this deeply distort Christianity in the soul, before it can grow properly." What a review! And did Ratzy even respond when I asked him for a blurb for the back cover of my new translation of the King James? (I come off much better in my version, where I translate the Greek word for "evil" as "jolly".) Nope, not even a letter. Not a postcard. Well, he can just forget about coming to my Vanity Fair book launch. And Jo isn't getting an invitation either. Grrr.
Ambulance Girl, by Jane Stern
 When I read autobiographies, I tend toward the humorous ones, like "American Psycho" (and you thought Bret Easton Ellis was a fiction writer -- guess again!). But once in a while I enjoy a good scare, and this book raised the hairs on the back of my tail. It's the true story of a depressed writer going through a midlife crisis who -- instead of doing the sensible thing, and making a deal with me for a good Harry & David gift assortment! -- decides to become an Emergency Medical Technician, of all things. She then goes about fixing injuries from all the accidents, crimes & cruelties of age that I've sometimes spent years bringing about...and finding meaning in it. Move over, Deepak Chopra -- this is a tale of horror for the ages.
The Source, by James Michener
 You may know Michener principally as the guy who writes humongous doorstops about places you haven't been (Hawaii, Mexico, Iberia...Iberia?), but in this book he took a quick holiday from surveying tropical drinks to analyze nothing less than the birth of religion in the primitive human brain. No, I'm not talking about what happens every time they wake Pat Robertson up with electroshock for another episode of "The 700 Club", I'm talking about way back, when the first hairy humanoids set up a rock in the dirt so they'd have something to look at while they tried to forget about what kind of horrendous calamity I was going to hit them with next. Several thousand years later, of course, this rock evolved into what we know as television, which is why no-one actually reads Michener's books, but he nevertheless goes into engrossing historical detail as he follows the evolution of this early holy ground through the ages. A fascinating look at the evolution of delusional wishful thinking, er, sorry, faith through Mankind's history.
Maus I & II, by Art Spiegelman
 It probably comes as no surprise to you that I'm a cat person (well, cat being) and God is palindromically fond of the dog. So imagine my delight to get my hooves on this delightful two part graphic novel about Der Kitty Reich and its gruesome abasement and destruction of the rodent population. Now, to me, this is simply a story of good hygiene, but in browsing the reader reviews on Amazon, I got a sense that people think this is some sort of metaphor for Nazi Germany, the Holocaust, the multi-generational damage inflicted on the Jews, man's inhumanity to man, blah blah blah. Now I'm as fond as anyone of tossing another Jew on the barbie, but do we always have to spoil a good time with issues? I say: settle down by the hellfire with a purring cat on your lap, and thank Art Spiegelman for putting the comic back in comic books!
Collapse, by Jared Diamond
I'm always honored when a Pulitzer winner like Jared (he won the prize for Guns, Germs & Steel, a rollicking comedy) takes the time and trouble to really explore my body of work and expose the themes and subtext. After all, incubating doom is an art form like any other, and I've been at it just about as long as Mankind has been killing other mammals and chopping down trees. From the Anasazi in Colorado to the Vikings in Greenland to the merry old Easter Islanders, it's a tale of environmental insanity so self-destructive that you'd think somebody would've picked up on the pattern. Happily, though, human being are as blind as Tommy when it comes to seeing the consequences of their own actions, so my guess is that most copies of this book will end up being used as flotation devices when sea levels start to rise. So grab one now and read it before it's water-logged -- in fact, you'll forget its lessons so quickly that you'll be able to read it again and again and always be surprised!
The Courage of Children, by Peter Dalglish -- NEW!
In the soul-buying business, you count on one Mortal Sin more than any other, and that's sloth. I mean, everybody knows there are a zillion problems out there screaming for attention, but who really wants to take the time to volunteer at a homeless shelter (they're all so smelly), or work for some political candidate (who's probably a lying scumbag anyway), or help teach some kid to read (they'd rather spend their time playing video games) -- I mean, there are good shows on TV. So it really burns my horns when some do-gooder gets off his butt and sets an "inspirational" example, like this guy, who dropped a perfectly good job as a Toronto lawyer to airlift two planes of food to Africa during the Ethiopian famine. Puh-leeze. Everybody over there is going to starve anyway -- or get fried crispy by global warming, but that's my next review -- so what's the point? But this guy is like the Energizer Bunny of samaritanism (and that Good Samaritan story is way over-blown -- he really just stopped to check the guy's pockets for loose change); after the whole Africa thing stopped being trendy, he went on to form Street Kids International and is now taking care of 6,000 street kids in Nepal. This could be very bad for business, if other people started imitating this guy. Fortunately, there's some terrific new shows coming up on TV. Don't miss 'em!
Boiling Point, by Ross Gelbspan -- NEW!
One night God and I were sitting around, doing shots every time somebody on CNN said "Arab-Israeli conflict", and as a result we were a little tipsy. (For a guy who's immanent throughout the universe, God isn't much at holding his liquor.) Anyway, we got to talking about how Hellish it's getting to be on Earth, and I bet God that I could really turn Earth into Hell, and that (if I did it gradually enough) nobody would notice. God was so blasted that he didn't realize I'd already been working on that since the Industrial Revolution got started (how could He miss the fact that the guy most responsible for the spread of the internal combustion engine also supported the Nazis!), so He took the bet, and since then I've had total free rein. Sea levels are rising (Goodbye Tuvalu!), heat waves are killing people, hurricanes are causing billions in damage, the oceans are turning so acidic that lobsters won't be able to form shells, polar bears are drowning...but all you'll hear on the news is that some scientists think humans might be causing climate change that might have an effect on the planet some time in the future. This guy Gelbspan must be dreaming if he thinks anybody is going to do anything before it's too late, so if you read this book, my suggestion is just to go directly from denial to despair, without going through that middle part where you take some action. After all, I've got five bucks riding on this.
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