SUPERMAN RETURNS

Permit Old Scratch a little grumble here, but I’m about up to my horns with superhero movies. Now, I love a little metaphor in my entertainment, but have actual real people become unworthy of story-telling? And it’s not like the genre’s on the upswing: we’ve had to sit through “Fantastic Four” (to which they’re making a sequel!), “Electra”, “Daredevil”, and even had to watch Brett Ratner take over the X-Men franchise. Okay, I brokered that last deal, but you see my point. I think it’s time for the movie pendulum to swing away from Marvel and DC, and back to fact-based literature, like the Bible. In short, I think it’s time for my biopic. Brian Grazer, you can write me care of this website.

As for “Superman Returns”, well, yes he does, and perhaps the delay was due to the amount of time it took them to grow Christopher Reeve’s clone in the laboratory. “Brandon Routh”, as he is billed, has Reeve’s stature and facial expressions, but unfortunately lacks his humor and charm (a common clone problem – Dolly’s clones just weren’t the life of any sheep party). He’s more a handsome-actor-of-the-right-demographic-18-to-35-appeal, moving through the blueprint that has become common to all superhero movies. See, he has powers, but yes, he also has an inner emotional life, signified by a painful romantic triangle (Spiderman, Wolverine, etc.), difficulties reconciling his superhero work with his daily job (Spiderman 2, Electra) and problems maintaining his secret identity, although in Superman’s case this seems to be taken care of by the fact that everyone in Metropolis is a moron. (Hmm, let’s see, Superman has been gone for 5 years, and so has Clark, and they both show up on the same day and look exactly alike. James Marsden’s vision apparently hasn’t improved since he took off those Cyclops glasses.)

Add to this a “love interest” in the person of Kate Bosworth, the most forgettable actress since, um, what’s-her-name, and you have a flat glass of bubbly that’s wholly dependent on Kevin Spacey for periodically waking us up so we can take our medication. And Parker Posey: was the indie scene so unrewarding? Has the Party Girl been so throroughly strained through the filters of “Blade:Trinity” and “Josie and the Pussycats” that all she has left is to fill the capacious shoes vacated by Valerie Perrine, who herself had shone so brightly in “Lenny”? It’s enough to make a demon weep, if I weren’t getting both their souls in about 40 years.

But this movie does have a spiritual dimension. It isn’t hard to see why Stephen Skelton would write a whole book about the parallels between Superman and Savior Boy, especially given how forcefully Bryan Singer has hammered them home in this movie. Right from the beginning Lex Luthor is ruminating on the parallels to God, and we even get to see the S-man falling from the Heavens in full crucifixion position after saving us from our sins late in the movie. After which – has it been 3 days already? -- he comes back from the dead! (I don’t give spoiler warnings – I’m the Devil.) Moreover, Singer leaves behind that tired old Nicene New Testament, and ventures bravely into the new Da Vinci Code theology, giving the Man of Saintliness an only-begotten son! And could Jesus’ off-spring fling a grand piano across the room? I don’t think so! So we haven’t just revived Christ, we’ve upgraded him. Savior 2.0!

So I say, why stop now? Islam’s on the rise, and Catholicism is fading, so it’s time to give the True Faith the shot of modernity that will introduce it to a new audience. Yes, it’s time for DC and Marvel to merge with the Church, forming an Axis of Goodness, and make the old papyri accessible to a new generation of geeks, gamers and Star Trek re-enactors (who are definitely feeling that empty place inside). The Silver Surfer as the Holy Ghost! The Thing as St. Peter (playing on the whole Greek petros pun – well, Jesus thought it was funny). Magneto as Judas! We’re talking franchises! Sequels! Spin-off’s! I see a whole new era coming in. And I’ll hold all the merchandising. Look for my action figure on eBay.