LINDSAY LOHAN:  THE INNOCENT'S A BROAD

My purpose here is not merely to survey the already-impressive oeuvre that is the films of Lindsay Lohan, though she captured my tiny heart early in her career as those carrot-topped moppets Hallie and Annie in the remake of “The Parent Trap”. Rather, I’d like to focus on a fairly new phenomenon in the age of 24/7 tabloid coverage, which is the delight that a supposedly respectable public takes in watching child stars -- specifically, female ones -- go from being adorable tykes to sleazy, club-hopping tarts, splattered all over the pages of People, Star, Enquirer and -- if we get lucky -- Maxim. Lindsay, of course, has thrown herself into this process with a vengeance, as evidenced by the 209,000 hits you can get on Google for the search string “Lindsay Lohan drunk”. But can we really give her all the credit for exciting our repressed prurience, or is something deeper at work in the world?

Well, of course, I’d like to think so. As Mick is still singing on the current tour, despite the fact that all the Stones died of hardened arteries in the mid-1990’s: “I was there when Jesus cried...”, and I certainly was around when Mary-Kate Olsen decided a great way to look different from Ashley would be to get thinner than an Auschwitz survivor. And who gets more hits on Google? You guessed it. But do I take 10%? Nope. I see myself as more of a spiritual advisor, helping these girls succumb to the pressures of fame for their own good. After all, innocence was all well and good for Christina Ricci in “Mermaids”, but now that she’s all-growed-up, how about following in the footsteps of co-star Winona and doing a little shoplifting for our entertainment? Admittedly, it’s not quite the box office stimulant of watching Angelina steal Brad from Jen, but on the other hand we weren’t really paying attention when Angelina was pre-pubescent (anyone here see “Lookin’ To Get Out”?), so for us she’s always been hot fun.

This is why I recommend that Dakota Fanning take a hard look at the scripts that are coming her way. Sure, she’s had her innocence despoiled a little by those between-take sessions on "War of the Worlds" getting auditing from Tom, but she’s got to go deeper if she wants to keep our interest. Time for a remake of “Taxi Driver”, with Ashton Kutcher in the De Niro role, so it can skew to a younger audience? Those hot pants did wonders for Jodie Foster at age 14 -- you can still beat her by a couple of years! Just bear in mind that young girls everywhere are watching you, waiting for cues on how to grow up before their time. And the quicker they reach the age of consent...the quicker yours truly can make their dreams come true.