THE EXORCIST MOVIES
Even for a being of my omnipotency, it’s a daunting task to even begin the task of reviewing all the Devil-themed movies out there. But since The Collector will be doing its own exorcist episode later this season, I decided to start with the film that brought me firmly into the Disco Era and once again made me an unspeakable household name.
The Exorcist
Practically everyone now knows that this story is based on the real-life possession of a little boy in Maryland named Douglass Deen, back in 1949. Not so well known is that the writer of the movie, William Peter Blatty, was a comedy writer in the ‘60’s; he only wrote “The Exorcist” on spec because he couldn’t get a job, and wanted to prove to everyone that he could write drama. Or so he tells the story. The truth is, this is the most misunderstood since “The Magnificent Ambersons” and “Rocky V” -- Blatty never changed genres at all! Anyone who removes their moral blinders for a nanosecond will immediately recognize that this is, in fact, the knee-slappin’-est comedy of all time. The pea soup in the eye? Pure Chaplinesque slapstick! Linda Blair pounding the psychiatrist's cojones into dust? A howler! Thank goodness later classics like “Scary Movie 2” lowered the bar of theological overanalysis by doing homages to this movie and letting people put the fun back in fundamentalism. Now, okay, I have to admit I was mildly annoyed by the suggestion that I would personally possess some little brat -- the real Douglass Deen barely merited an Assistant Demon First Class -- but if people think God listens to every whiny little prayer, then I can see where they get the impression that us supreme beings are micromanagers. Still, nothing could stop the belly laugh of watching the finale, where that priest bounces down the stairs like a twisted Slinky. That’s entertainment
Exorcist II: The Heretic
Burton, Blair, bees. Don’t see it unless you’re drunker than Dick was.
The Exorcist III
This movie is based on Blatty’s novel “Legion”, which was the third book in his trilogy about God & Evil. (The second book in the trilogy was actually “The Ninth Configuration”; Blatty mortgaged his house to make it into a movie far superior to Burton’s turn at the crucifix.) Frankly “Exorcist III” scared the bejeesus out of me, which is a positive, because I’m always trying to get rid of my bejeesus. (I usually have to use smelly ointments.) And even though the exorcism in the movie was only put in at the insistence of studio suits who wanted the title to make it part of a franchise ("Rocky V" already being taken) it was still sexy as Hell watching Nicol Williamson roll around on the ceiling. (For my money, there’s nothing more erotic than watching someone doff their scalp on film.) And the product placement was pitch-perfect; as soon as the movie was over, I ran right out and got myself a pair of those shiny autopsy scissors. They’re a huge hit at parties!
Exorcist: The Beginning and Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist
This little duel of the directors was a long-overdue idea. Or maybe it was better to wait: releasing “Cat People” and “The Adventures of Ford Fairlane” back-to-back might not have been the key to breaking the summer box-office slump. Renny Harlin was first out of the gate with his “interpretation” of the material, even though his was shot second, because he has a solid reputation for blowing things up, and that equals boffo b.o. Audiences, however, were underwhelmed -- perhaps having become a bit jaded from seeing way cooler whipping and crucifixion scenes in “The Passion of the Christ” -- and so the studio decided to try the alternate version. Thus Paul Schrader’s version rose from the dead, and the finale of that film clearly demonstrates his solid reputation for, um, people talking miserably. Paul's movie, in turn, spawned a sequel in which all those studio suits sat around talking miserably...about their suddenly-shortened career prospects. On the bright side, I cleaned up big-time when Daily Variety reported the numbers: expect to see a good many more Devil-friendly projects get greenlit in La La Land over the next 10 years. And maybe, while we’re at it, “Rocky VI”.
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