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So superheroes have come to save Hollywood from its box-office slump, but alas none have been powerful enough to quiet the inconsiderate slob in back of you discussing each plot point loudly to his seat-mate (OK, that's actually me -- I'm also the person with the ringing cell phone during the emotional scenes). But why are we considering these two movies together? Is it some sort of alliterative wrestling match, or perhaps a DC/Marvel crossover promotion designed to reduce the target demographic of these movie reviews to somewhere below the onset of pubescence, or possibly mitosis?
No! This is more than an examination of B-list actors in funny suits, enduring painful wirework for our alleged enjoyment. This is about cosmogony, about two opposing theological world-views, namely: exactly how does an uncaring God manifest himself in creating Man's destiny? In "Batman Begins", God is content to stand by while a young child's parents are gunned down before his eyes by heartless ruffians, and I must say it's refreshing to see some purely evil characters portrayed on screen, without all the tiresome armchair psychology that's supposed to make us understand that they're only pistol-whipping us because Mommy yanked the nipple too quickly. Bruce Wayne (played by Christian Bale, who has made a career of meaninglessness, from "American Psycho" to "The Machinist") is purely a product of everyday circumstance, just another cue ball on the pool table of Life.
In "Fantastic Four", however, one can see God's hand at work in the ironic punishment of Man's hubris -- it should be obvious to any scientist by now that if they're sure nothing bad can happen, then it absolutely will. (Look for that third ear to start growing on your cheek any day now -- but who cares, when those genetically modified tomatoes stay so firm.) Yes, God slings a cosmic storm at the characters so quickly that they barely have time to recite the necessary exposition for their animatronic love triangle. The good and the bad are equally afflicted (proving this is God at work -- I'm much more discriminating), and soon everyone's DNA is proving that Darwin wasn't just porking puffins out there in the Galapagos.
So which is it? Is God merely sleeping off his hangover after the cosmic kegger that ended with the Big Bang, while I run around unsupervised and create one holocaust after another? Or is He actively assisting me in sucking souls into my orbit by constantly reminding Mankind that the universe is nasty, brutish, and longer than the director's cut of "Apocalypse Now"? Or does the fact that Brett Ratner keeps working prove that there is no God at all? Well, as any good Catholic knows, the Nicene creed tells us that any time you have three contradictory answers, you just declare them all true, kill a Jew, and head home for dinner. Soup's on!
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